By David Palmer
Despite the Warnings, You Downloaded the App
Your friends told you it was addicting. Some of them may have told you while being dragged away in a strait-jacket. But you went into the app store and downloaded the game anyway. And instantly regretted it.
The Bird Is Bigger than the Pipe Holes
Much like looking in a rearview mirror, that bird is at least twice the size it appears. On so many occasions I have been flying (if you can the pathetic flapping that demon bird “flying”) and despite appearing to be in the center of the pipes, he dropped like a stone, leaving me with a blank stare on my face.
Despite the Warnings, You Downloaded the App
Your friends told you it was addicting. Some of them may have told you while being dragged away in a strait-jacket. But you went into the app store and downloaded the game anyway. And instantly regretted it.
The Bird Is Bigger than the Pipe Holes
Much like looking in a rearview mirror, that bird is at least twice the size it appears. On so many occasions I have been flying (if you can the pathetic flapping that demon bird “flying”) and despite appearing to be in the center of the pipes, he dropped like a stone, leaving me with a blank stare on my face.
It Makes You Hate Your Loved Ones
Have you ever been playing the game and you received a text message from a friend, causing the game to lag and thusly kill your hopes and dreams? Let’s just say I have lost more friends because of Flappy Bird than Mark Zuckerberg lost when making Facebook.
Michael Cera Saw This Coming
The year was 2007. Michael Cera accurately predicted how we would all react every time we played Flappy Bird. To quote him in Superbad: “Well, that’s fun. Why do they make that? If you can’t even win, why am I f--king playing?”.
It Should Be So Simple…
You tap a screen and make a bird fly. Two things that are just givens on this big blue planet of ours, But nope. Your perceptions of this “easy game” where horrifyingly wrong, and you quickly found that out.
Song References Within the Game
While flying, you will bump into a pipe. And I think Pitbull and Ke$ha said it best with “I’m going down. I’m yelling timber!”. Then, as you sit there frustrated with a downed bird, Snow Patrol may begin to play in your head… “If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?”.
You’re Addicted and You Know It
Holding down the app icon for 2 seconds. That is all it would take to erase Flappy Bird from your life. Get rid of the game that has made you swear up storms and cursed out your roommate when they ask what is bothering you. But you can’t do it. Otherwise you would have done it by now.
But If There Is One Positive From All This…
This game has proved God is real. Because that bird, that stupid little bird, is the physical incarnation of Satan himself. And if The Conjuring taught us anything, it is that there are no demons without God.
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