8 "Tips" For Incoming College Students

May 8th, 2014
By Eli Solidum
While most high schoolers are excited to start college and begin a new life, there will be some trouble adjusting. Remember these eight essential tips to help you during college! (If you take this seriously, you have already lost the game of college.)

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8. Rolly Backpacks Are Essential

Convenient, rollable, and full of swag, these are absolute necessities if you want to make the most out of your college experience. Women will flock to you once they see you wheeling one of these bad boys around campus. Don't believe me? Just look at the smile on the kid's face above. It screams "I am drowning in a tsunami of the poon." Trust me. The reason no one else on campus uses them? They can't handle the responsibility that comes with them.

7. Tell Everyone About How Cool You Were in High School

Seriously, everyone in college cares. Were you nominated for homecoming queen? Tell everyone you meet so that they can all admire you and want to be friends with you. Did you go to a crazy party once and do something you regret? Make sure that every single conversation you have somehow leads into that crazy party. Trust me. You are the only one who has done crazy stuff ever, so definitely build on that. Don't forget about that one thing you did freshman year of high school. You might as well put it on your resume. Everyone cares.

6. Crocs a Make Her Dance

One of the most controversial topics in the world right now is what color Crocs will maximize the amount of women that someone will attract? While black and classic green are always safe bets, hot pink Crocs will by far maximize the amount of sexual intercourse you have. I highly recommend only wearing hot pink Crocs to a party or formal dinner where you can safely seduce women. Class or church are definite no-no's when it comes to wearing Crocs because due to the highly sensual nature of the majestic shoe, the female gender will undoubtedly flock to you. Unexpected orgies are known to occur when one is wearing Crocs, so take heed of my warning.

5. Use Condoms That Are Way Too Big So You Can Impress Women

Ashamed of your small manhood? Get gigantic condoms that don't fit so you can make up for it! They will definitely not increase your chances of getting her pregnant, plus sex will definitely not be completely uncomfortable! She will be amazed at how big your condoms are and completely forget how tiny your actual organ is! Sex will feel really bad for you, which helps increase how long you can last! Any girl who you hook up with will probably fall in love with you. Make sure to wear your Crocs as well, especially during sex to improve her libido and heighten the peak of her orgasm.

4. Drink Only Mike's Hard Lemonade

Not only will Mike's Hard Lemonade cause you to YOLO and turn up harder than anyone else at a party, it will also increase your chance of attracting women. They will see you consuming can after can and will have no way of controlling their primal urges. You see, Mike's Hard does something that very few drinks can. It makes you extremely manly, but it also screams "I'm just a sensitive guy." Girls swoon at sensitivity. That is why you should also, most definitely, without a doubt bring a guitar to every party you go to. It's okay to just carry it around because girls will still flock to you, but for optimal results, learn a total of two chords, so if anyone asks you to play, you can alternate back and forth from the only two chords you know. Do that for a few minutes and every girl in a 12 mile radius will all of a sudden be completely naked. It's science.

3. Be The Guy That Scooters Around Campus

Want to show chicks you like to live life on the edge? Buy a razor scooter and show off your mad skills and talents. I highly recommend wearing a helmet because it shows people that you care about safety, and isn't that what all women are looking for in the end? Just someone who makes them feel safe? Make sure to keep the helmet strapped and tight. The best part about scooters? They're much more portable than bikes. Definitely carry your scooter into class, through the hallways, just anywhere you go that it isn't okay for you to be riding it gracefully. A combination of speed, convenience and swag. What more could you ask for?

2. Take Up A Sport

Let's face it. Collegiate athletes have it made. Don't worry if you aren't superstar material. There will always be something you can excel at. Tennis? That works, but so does rec league table tennis. Football? Yes that is a sport, but you can never go wrong with Ultimate Frisbee either. Perhaps the most popular sport on campuses, aside from Quidditch, is Nerf gun wars. One of the most popular variations of this fantastic sport is zombie vs. humans. There's no better way to make friends and get people to like you than by running around campus shooting styrofoam bullets. Trust me. People will see you and wish they were you. It shows off your athleticism, agility, dexterity, and ability to protect any babes that want to elope with you.

1. Swag is Everything.

Not sure what to major in? Pursue a career in Swag. Are you broke and need something to eat? Don't be a typical college kid surviving off Ramen. The average person with Swag can survive for 44 days off Swag alone. Having a hard time keeping up with class? Don't worry about it! Your swag will lead the way. After all, who needs a job when you have swag?
If you end up making absolutely no friends at college, it's because everyone else is intimidated by your swag. So tie a snapback around your belt loop, put two more on your head, and recite some tumblr quotes. Keep your head up king, your snapback might fall off.